bits and pieces of me

Miss M did our devotion at work this morning. She used one from Oswald Chambers. Years ago, when I got my first copy of My Utmost, I didn't get anything he was saying. Or maybe I just didn't try very hard. A couple of years later, I got an updated copy and now I get smacked upside the head with his insights. Some day I would like to be so wise. Anyway, Miss M chose one from November 3rd. It talks about being the bondservant of Jesus. As often happens to me when we do devotions, I felt the Lord nudging me and telling me to pay attention. Unfortunately, submission and surrender are difficult words for me so I knew this was probably going to be an uncomfortable revelation. So she read, " It means breaking the hard outer layer of my individual independence from God, and the liberating of myself and my nature into oneness with Him; not following my own ideas, but choosing absolute loyalty to Jesus." Okay, I thought. That wasn't so hard. Yes, I know that I need to do this. I can handle it. But Miss M. read on. "The one point to decide is---will I give up? Will I surrender to Jesus Christ, placing no conditions whatsoever as to how the brokenness will come?" And I guess that is it in a nutshell. Am I ever going to be willing to surrender my control and my will to God? I want to. (but then my inner me says, "if you really wanted to, you would." don't you just hate inner me?) I am learning that, as a victim, surrender is a very difficult thing. I suspect that I feel that any type of surrender could make me a victim again. So the struggle goes on. Logically, I know that God doesn't want to hurt me nor does He want me to be a victim of anything harmful. Surrender and submission to Him is the path to freedom. But how do you convince the heart? Hmmm....I don't think this was where I meant this to go when I started this post. However you look at it, I will be pondering and considering Mr. Chambers words for days to come.