an ode to October

October is a complicated month for me.

It is the month of my birth. I don't so much mind the birthdays at the moment. I started taking a week of vacation during my birthday the year I turned 40. (I figured if I was going to sulk, pout, and cry, I'd be better off at home. Instead, I painted my kitchen and enjoyed my vacation. It's a tradition that I have continued each year since. And it hasn't been that many more years, thank you very much.)

However, October's complexities revolve around my birthday. (which appears to be a direct contradiction to what I just said. I know. It's just that my brain works like that sometimes.)

I am an adopted child. Which is a wonderful thing. But a complicated one. (complicated must be the word of the day.)

As a child, teen and young adult, I had a difficult relationship with my mother. All of which caused me to long for my birth mother.

Because of course she would have been perfect. (Not.)

Well, our city newspaper used to run (and may still but I don't look anymore) those "searching for someone" ads in the classifieds. I would sometimes (although it seemed often to me) see ads where birth mothers where searching for their children. So for many years, I would eagerly await my birthday so that I could see the "looking for you" ad that I was sure my mother would put in the paper for me.

Needless to say, she did not.

And year after year, I would be thrust into a kind of depression because obviously I was not worthy of her love. This destructive cycle continued for many years. I never told anyone what I was doing. Because I didn't want them to know that I was unworthy of love.

Finally, after crying my eyes out on my husband's shoulder one October, I confessed my secret obsession. And we talked about it.

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Of course my head knew that the lack of a tiny classified ad from my mother on my birthday in no way undermined my worth. It's just that my heart was so hurt. It's funny, though. After talking it out with Josh, it no longer seemed so important that the ad be there. And I don't even look anymore. I know to Whom I belong. I know that I am loved.

It's just that every October, my heart still wonders if there's a woman out there who thinks about the baby girl that she gave up so that she might have a better life.

So, October is complicated for me.

please understand that I am in no way against adoption. I think it's a wonderful thing. A big part of my issue with my adoption lies in the attitude towards adoption when I was growing up. Today adoption is seen for what it really is. A chance for a child to have a better life. Sometimes it is the only chance at life.