Thursday, October 2, 2008

an ode to October


October is a complicated month for me.


It is the month of my birth. I don't so much mind the birthdays at the moment. I started taking a week of vacation during my birthday the year I turned 40. (I figured if I was going to sulk, pout, and cry, I'd be better off at home. Instead, I painted my kitchen and enjoyed my vacation. It's a tradition that I have continued each year since. And it hasn't been that many more years, thank you very much.)


However, October's complexities revolve around my birthday. (which appears to be a direct contradiction to what I just said. I know. It's just that my brain works like that sometimes.)
I am an adopted child. Which is a wonderful thing. But a complicated one. (complicated must be the word of the day.)


As a child, teen and young adult, I had a difficult relationship with my mother. All of which caused me to long for my birth mother.


Because of course she would have been perfect. (Not.)

Well, our city newspaper used to run (and may still but I don't look anymore) those "searching for someone" ads in the classifieds. I would sometimes (although it seemed often to me) see ads where birth mothers where searching for their children. So for many years, I would eagerly await my birthday so that I could see the "looking for you" ad that I was sure my mother would put in the paper for me.


Needless to say, she did not.


And year after year, I would be thrust into a kind of depression because obviously I was not worthy of her love. This destructive cycle continued for many years. I never told anyone what I was doing. Because I didn't want them to know that I was unworthy of love.


Finally, after crying my eyes out on my husband's shoulder one October, I confessed my secret obsession. And we talked about it.
< /div>
Of course my head knew that the lack of a tiny classified ad from my mother on my birthday in no way undermined my worth. It's just that my heart was so hurt. It's funny, though. After talking it out with Josh, it no longer seemed so important that the ad be there. And I don't even look anymore. I know to Whom I belong. I know that I am loved.


It's just that every October, my heart still wonders if there's a woman out there who thinks about the baby girl that she gave up so that she might have a better life.


So, October is complicated for me.


please understand that I am in no way against adoption. I think it's a wonderful thing. A big part of my issue with my adoption lies in the attitude towards adoption when I was growing up. Today adoption is seen for what it really is. A chance for a child to have a better life. Sometimes it is the only chance at life.

10 comments:

annie's eyes said...

Beautiful, poignant, raw. Your genuine heart touches mine so often. I wished I could give you a big hug and tell you how loved you are to be able to give love through your words the way you do. My prayer is October begins to look like a month where God is doing something new in you, that He restores the joy you are due for birthdays, and that you know how much I celebrate you, and am so thankful our lives crossed. Love you, Karen. Annette

annette said...

Happy birthday sweet Sister. I say celebrate over the entire month of October.

You are so loved, you are the apple of Jesus' eye, His precious pearl.

Such a tender post, so beautiful and honest.

Heavenly Father, give Karen a fresh revelation of Your love today. Remind her You knew her and loved her when she was in her birth mother's womb. Thank You for the gift she is to the Body of Christ. In Jesus' Name I pray.

Love, Annette

Michelle V said...

How touching! I think in some ways, for different reasons, we all sometimes struggle and need to remember to whom we belong! For me it's being divorced. Thank you for sharing your heart!!

Blessings
Michelle

THE ROOST said...

I know it must of been hard typing this post but It was so touching and I feel as if I know you better.....Happy Birthday

Teri Brown said...

Your post made me wonder if my birth daughter ever felt that way. I know I couldn't ask her now because she's protective of her hurt feelings.

Have you ever searched for your birth mom? The best way to find out if she's searching for you would be to register with the ISRR at www.isrr.net if you want to.

Happy October birthday. I know that a year never went by when I didn't think of my daughter on her birthday. I'm sure your birth mom thinks of you on your day as well.

"Just Me - NC Beth" said...

I was touched by your words....I don't know what you have gone through but I can assure you, your Heavenly Father loves you so much! And He knew you before you were even formed...He knew the struggles you would have, the joys in your life...everything! And He will always be there for you. Only He can give you total peace... and in my heart, I believe that each October your mom wonders more than ever how you are and how has your life been since she made that hard decision many years ago...she will never forget you!

I pray that this October your life will be used to touch and impact other's lives that may be hurting too.

God Bless!

~Beth

Ang baylis said...

Dearest Karen, thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I can't imagine year after year waiting. If your birth mother knew you, she would be SO proud of the woman you have become. I feel sad for you, but I also feel sad for her to miss out on such a special daughter. You are right, it is complicated, but I am SO grateful for you and the fact that you "get it" and know you are loved by the Only one that matters! (And a whole lot of friends. I'm honored to be one of them!)
I love you!
Angie xoxo

Lori - The Simple Life at Home said...

(((((Karen)))))

You are loved.

Anonymous said...

Karen,
You bless my life so much. I am so thankful for you. You are an encouragement to me and I know to many others, as well. Life can be so complicated sometimes, but it is so great that our peace and joy comes from Christ, even during this difficult time. I'm praying you will have the BEST birthday month ever. With Christ...all things re possible. Love, Helen

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